I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised

My father passed away two weeks ago today.

That sentence was incredibly difficult to write, as if in the writing I was somehow solidifying the fact and making it impossible to reverse. There is a profoundly deep well of sadness within me, a sorrow through whose shadows my screams find no bottom to that pit. And yet there is clear light amidst this turbulence. They say that trials in life are tests of faith, and over the past two weeks, I've grown to understand that more.

Some view the test of faith like a spelling test -- an examination with a pass/fail score. In your response to trial, do you still cling to that God of yours, or do you abandon Him? And there is that aspect to tests of faith.

Others view the test of faith like an air pressure test on your tires -- a gauge that measures some amount. In your response to trial, how big is your faith? Do you only see God when the streams of abundance flow? Or can you when in the desert, when walking through the wilderness still stay "Blessed be Your name?" And there is that aspect to tests of faith as well.

I have come to also see the test of faith like a rorschach test -- a test after which you learn something about yourself. I've said several times before that I want an unbelievable faith. And this recent test of faith for me has revealed what my faith looks like.

And while my sadness is infinite, I find myself believing more fully in the sovereignty of God than I ever had. I still see the goodness of God. I see the grace He has poured out to me over the last few years and last few months. I see His love poured out on me through His people. I see His heart for the lost, and His love for the found. I see a God whether the sun's shining down or whether the darkness is closing in whose name I can bless. I see a God who I will never be able to outlove who loves me to there and back and to whom I can run and I can run to his heart, a heart big enough for all my shadows I will not despair I will not despair. I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock in whom I take refuge.