and in pain to give

What's hard for everyone at Christmas time is balancing the theoretical notion of Dec 25 as the arrival of the Messiah on earth, of God Incarnate, with the practical and very real notion of their past experiences with Christmas, flesh themselves already. Your soul appreciates and reflects upon the meaning; your heart can break as it reflects upon your history. The season saddens me, no matter the growth I experience on the soul level. Love Him all the more, and know Him all the more, and so can appreciate all the more. But the hurts of noels past do not go quietly into the night.

On those years prior to the knowing, Christmas is what it is to all -- days off from school for the receiving of presents. But for some it's simply days off from school. And in those cases, those days off are themselves no present. Often heard my parents deride the holiday as an American concept, that Asians have no use for such customs. Growing up, one views such a perspective as stubborn clinging to old traditions, as stubbornness against the tide of assimilation. We're no longer in the jungle, one might assert to deaf ears.

I appreciate it now for what it probably is -- a better reason than "because we can't". No parent lacks the longing to shower gifts upon those they love. No parent lacks the longing to be extravagant. But pride restrains the truth in ways that make the truth more palatable. That palatable truth even moreso for themselves. Far better to forsake tradition on the grounds of principle than on the grounds of an inability to provide. Our hurt in not receiving was probably twice as painful in not giving.